Things that make me shudder on a bike.

I was out and about today and someone went past me on a Ninja in a t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. It made me realise that even though I’ve done over 100,000 miles on a motorbike, there are still things that make me shake my head or kak myself.

In no particular order:

The Bravery (or Madness) of Shorts and T-Shirts

Just watching them makes my skin crawl. I don't care if it’s 35°C outside; the thought of what happens if you bail at 50mph without leather or boots is enough to keep me sweating in my protective clothing.

Gravel

In car parks and on a bend. Just hate it. Car parks for bikers shouldn’t have gravel in them. Period. No grip, can’t go slow, can’t go fast. Hate it.

Roundabouts in Heavy Rain

Normal roundabouts? Fine. Roundabouts in a proper British downpour when the traffic is heavy? Pure anxiety. I’m trying to look for diesel spills, manage my braking on wet slick tarmac, dodge potholes and keep an eye on the distracted driver in a Nissan Qashqai who definitely hasn't seen me. My bike develops a mind of its own and it’s like I forget how to go round a corner.

The Two-Wheeled Front End

I cannot get my head around those modern scooters with two wheels at the front. Traditional trikes? Fine, no problem, even if they do look like the creepy twins from The Shining cruising down the road. Two front wheels just look plain wrong, and my brain completely refuses to process how the physics are supposed to work.

Very Tall Adventure Bikes

I see short blokes pulling up at traffic lights on massive, towering adventure bikes and I genuinely want to applaud. How do you not just tip over? I’m 6’ tall, and if I can't flat-foot both sides, or at least get a solid boot down without doing a theatrical side-saddle lean, I’m convinced I’m going down like a chopped tree the second the wheels stop spinning.

The Manhole Cover Magnet

There is a specific type of mental defeat that comes from hitting a greasy, wet manhole cover on a rainy day, especially one I saw from 50 yards away and told myself to avoid. It’s like my front tyre is magnetically drawn to them. You feel that tiny, split-second skip of the rubber, your heart jumps into your throat, and you spend the next mile calling yourself an idiot inside your helmet while moaning about back pain.

The Unreachable Itch

You can be doing 70mph on the dual carriageway, perfectly content, and suddenly the tip of your left ear develops an itch of biblical proportions. You can't reach it. Shaking your head inside the helmet does nothing but make you look like you're having a fit. Trying to poke a gloved finger up past the chin guard is impossible. You just have to sit there, suffering in silence, questioning your entire existence. Worse yet, you're convinced it's a fly or a centipede laying eggs in your scalp.

Still. Being uncomfortable on a bike trumps sitting in a car every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Happy riding.